Divorce Stories: Life Changes! ✿

It was really heartwarming to come across websites of organizations that actually help children from divorced families through counseling and different problems. One of these organizations is the Kids First Center, supporting families of separation and divorce. Their mission is to prevent emotional trauma children experience during separation and divorce, prevent greater problems for families by helping them negotiate transition in a healthy way.

In many blog posts of mine I have mentioned that children are most affected by the divorce of their parents so it struck me to finally read a story from a child who went through the ordeal, from the kids corner of Kids First Center website. What we usually read online are the perspectives of couples in divorce, rarely do we read articles about what children have to say about it. So here is a story written by an 8-year old girl from Maine named Olivia. She worked with a counselor to help her get through the most difficult situations of her parents’ divorce and writing has become an avenue to express her feelings and thoughts.

• • •

Life Changes!
By Olivia

Hello. My name is Olivia. I am 8 years old and I live in Maine. I am in the 3rd grade. My parents were separated from each other when I was 6 years old. This caused a lot of changes in my life that I had to get used to. Right now I live with my Mother but I see my Dad all the time too.
I decided to write this book for a few reasons. First, I wanted to help other kids deal with changes in their lives by sharing some of my ideas about the experiences in my life. Second, by writing this book, I can understand my own life changes a little better. Third, I would like to help other kids learn that there are ways to deal with changes that could happen in their lives, too.

1. Separation and Divorce
Before my Mom and Dad got separated, I didn't know they were even talking about it. I was surprised when they told me. I thought when they were talking with each other, and they looked real serious, they were talking about normal stuff. When I found out about the separation, they told me together. I'm glad they did it that way.
On my Dad's last day at home, which I'll never forget, I felt very, very, very sad. I remember everything about it. My Dad felt sad too. He had to move to a different town and live with my Nana. After one year he moved closer to me and now lives in an apartment in the next town from me. The ride to his house is only about 10 minutes away from where I live with my Mom.
After they were separated for a while and lived apart they decided to officially get divorced. That means that they went to court and a judge signed a paper. This was a big Life Change!

2. Giving Things Up
After my Mom and Dad got separated, my Mom and I moved into a new house where we couldn't have a dog unless we owned the house. We rented our new home so we had to find a new place for our dog. Her name is Chloe. I felt upset, sad and sort of mad that Chloe couldn't live with us anymore. She now lives in a different town in a house with our friends and their children. We still get to visit Chloe once in awhile (she officially still belongs to us), so that makes it easier. I didn't want to give my dog away but we couldn't live in our new place if we didn't. I miss her but I'm getting used to it now, and I found out that I can be okay without Chloe. Sometimes you have to give something up when Life Changes!

3. Some Things Change, Some Things Don't
After my Mom and Dad got separated and divorced my Dad moved, my Mom and I moved, we gave up our dog, and I missed my Dad. These are all things that changed in my life. But there were lots of things that did not change. My Dad is still my Dad. My Mom is still my Mom. My Nana is still my Nana. My Gram is still my Gram. I still get to go to my same school. (Sometimes other kids have to move to a new town and start at a different school.) Even though I live in a new neighborhood I still have the same friends at my school. I still do things with my Mom and with my Dad. But now sometimes we have to do them separately. Something that my parents have done to help me is that they have really had to keep talking to each other and have tried to get along. Sometimes not everything in Life Changes!

4. Taking Care of Myself
When Changes happened in my family it took awhile to get used to them. It was hard at first to understand what was going on and what would happen next. For example, sometimes I missed my Dad a lot after he moved and I felt lonely without him. Things just weren't the same after he left. It took awhile to get used to this change. I began to be more afraid of things, like the dark, and sleeping on my own, and I wondered if I would be able to keep seeing my Dad. Talking with other people to understand what was happening was helpful. People that I talked with included my Social Worker, and my parents. Some other people who are there for me if I need them are my grandmother, my grandfather, aunt, or my step-grandfather. It's important to talk about things that we are afraid of or confused about because we need to get answers and help. Questions are okay. Don't feel shy or worried about asking questions and trying to find answers.
I learned that it is important to take care of yourself when your parents get divorced, and I learned that they have to take care of themselves. Kids can't take care of their parents, they can only take care of themselves. Parents have to make their own decisions about separation and divorce, it's not up to the kids. Parents get divorced because of their own reasons, not because of their kids. Parents keep growing up too. Sometimes we get afraid of things in our lives when it feels different in our family, and it's important to talk to other people when Life Changes!

5. New Relationships
After a divorce your parents may go on dates with a person that they have met somewhere. Sometimes parents will develop new relationships with new people, and you may be able to bond with that person too.
You may feel worried and confused about who will take care of you and what is going on. You may be angry at your parent because you may not know how to share your parent since it has been just you and your Mom or you and your Dad with undivided attention for each other. Or you may feel happy just to see your parent happy. You could feel all kinds of these feelings. But that is normal too, just remember Life Changes.

6. Three Years Later
As you all know, my name is Olivia, but I am now 9 and I will turn 10 in November. I am in third grade and I still go to the same school. I am still living with my parents divorced. Three years later I am used to it. I see my Dad almost every day. I now know how to deal with my feelings and I feel comfortable sharing them with others. Soon you will feel that too.
My Mom just went to Virginia on a business trip for four days. I am staying with my Dad and tonight, May 1st, I'm going to the airport with my aunt to pick up Mom. I can't wait.
My parents worked out a way to make sure I get equal attention from them both and that I would always be with an adult that could take care of me the way they do.
Sometimes parents with children get divorced, but they can work together to make sure you are well-taken care of.

A Note to Parents
Dear Parents,
As you can see, I worked through my parent's divorce because it was amicable. The most important thing they did to help me was they kept up their talking and their friendship. I still get the same attention that I got when my Mom and Dad were married.
I really had to get used to this change, in some ways it took apart my life. In three years I was able to sew my life back together. This is how your child can feel too if you as parents keep talking to each other and to your kids. Make sure that your children know why you got divorced, because they may think it's their fault like I did.

Sincerely,
Olivia

• • •

And yes, I just had to put a flower alongside the title because Olivia's story touched me and I think it is the most special one out of everything else that I have posted on here.

Source: http://www.kidsfirstcenter.org/childsstory.html

Sin #1

The most common reason why couples get a divorce is because of adultery. Many statistics attest to this fact that couples separate because of their husband or wife engaged in an extramarital affair. Simply, adultery is also known as cheating, infidelity and the act of being sexually and/or emotionally unfaithful in marriage. It is not something that happens “out of the blue” because the spouse is attracted physically to another person to whom he/she is not married. Adultery instead is the culmination of a long trail of unresolved issues. While affairs are very destructive to a relationship, it is a symptom of something much deeper, something negative that has been going on for long and is left buried in the ground. Some marriages take this as a sign to permanently end the relationship while some have great willpower to see there is still hope for a restored marriage after an affair. That is usually done through counseling.

Can a marriage really survive an affair even though the betrayal of adultery cuts a deeper wound, scars and does something more than breaking a vow? Especially if it is recurring, the spouse cheated on cannot let go of the memory anymore and fear that is will happen again, so they opt to escape the marriage. But simply “throwing in the towel” and walking away should be a decision made for the right reasons. If couples want to work at their marriage after an affair, both should make personal changes of their way of thinking and being. There is hope and life after adultery, and a potential to have a marriage that is even stronger than before the deed was done. The adulterous spouse must come to a place of genuine repentance and humility while the spouse cheated on must learn to let go of being a victim, because after all he/she could also be the reasons for the deeper-rooted problems that led to the affair, forgive the cheater and never use it as a tool for leverage in a future argument. Once it is let go and forgiven, it should never be used as a weapon because it will only jeopardize the marriage some more. It takes a lot of time because people tend to think irrationally and become very rash with their decisions. Healing does not instantly happen so timing is everything.

Moving past an affair is no easy task, but if both you and your partner are dedicated to working through the underlying issues through a competent counselor, the marriage has great hope for the future. Many marriages can overcome this highest form of betrayal and be even stronger than before, however, it requires a commitment from both spouses. The unfortunate truth, however, is that not all marriages will survive. Sometimes the cheater may leave altogether, or the betrayed spouse may terminate the marriage. Yet whether the betrayer or the betrayed, even if you decide to leave the marriage, you still need to deal with your own emotional scars so you don’t find yourself in a similar relationship. Values-Based counseling provides essential tools in the healing process. While adultery may be a life-altering experience, it doesn't have to define you or your future choices.

Source: http://www.theravive.com/services/adultery-help.htm

Prevention Is Better Than Cure

What is better than proposing a cure to a social illness? It is being proactive and preventing that social illness. But that might be too late for separated couples already because the damage has been done. So this blog post is for every single man and woman out there aspiring to be married in the future, and prevent becoming one those couples that add to increasing statistics of separated, annulled or divorced couples. Here are tips that I gathered, or ingredients rather that could help strengthen and make marriage happy and last, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer.

Many a time, marriages start to deteriorate because one or both spouses change and they cannot accept it. One tip is to change yourself. People also have the belief that they can change the person they marry into become their “perfect” mate. But instead, you have to accept that your spouse is who he or she is. Instead of turning around his/her personality, learn to adapt to it and provide support and encouragement for changes you want to see.

Communication, as with every kind of relationship, is the key ingredient to a successful marriage. And that most certainly does not mean bottling up your feelings and keeping a grudge against your spouse that could one day burst out and break your relationship for good. Keep communication lines open and respect what each one has to say.

Intimacy is an ingredient in marriage that should not be taken for granted. After all, you are married to a person you love and are meant to share your whole life with so you have to let go of your inhibitions. Intimacy is one way of getting closer.

Accept the flaws of your spouse. No one is perfect so you have to appreciate the bad traits that come along with your spouse. Often, people are clouded by the negative perceptions they have towards others and this is not healthy especially for marriage. It may sound too cliché but yes, there is good in everyone and you should learn to weight that.

Make sure to choose your battles wisely. If you are going to pick an argument at something, make sure that it really matters and is worth the time, tension, negativity and… yelling. Unfortunately, unresolved arguments are a big issue in marriages that lead to divorce. Therefore, unless the issue is significant, learn to shake it off. You wouldn’t want to let the small, insignificant issues make you lose your spouse forever.

Never take your spouse for granted. Life is too precious and the traits, attitudes and talents that come along with people should be appreciated.

Go on dates. Yes, dates. Like how you got to know each other; having dinners at restaurants, even a short morning walk, short trips abroad, watch a movie or Broadway musical. Always have time not only for your family but also alone with your husband or wife.

Finally, be a forgiving and compassionate husband or wife. You will be faced with tough times and you have a choice of scarring your marriage with those problems or forgive them for their mistakes. You cannot say that marriage has no room for mistakes because problems are a test of how strong your marriage is. If resolution is found, swallow your pride and forgive your spouse. Let the new day be another beginning.

Reference: http://marriage.families.com/blog/tentipsforahappymarriage

Divorce Stories: Your Life, Your Choice Part II

Here is part 2 of Fran Watson's divorce story.

• • •

He wanted kids, lots of them he said, but when I was pregnant with child number 2 he said, "I'm not sure if I want this baby." I spent the rest of my pregnancy in a neck brace unable to lift the vacuum without pain. Little did I know he was already in the midst of an affair. His first? I never knew or asked, but his next one started around the same time and lasted until my next pregnancy 4 years later. Oh yes, I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was the business, his retail office supply and furniture store. I didn't understand why he would be mad at me when I waited up for him on Tuesday nights when he was always late getting back from out of town. I didn't realize that was the night he was spending with his mistress.

Little things. I confess, I did them to. If I was mad at him I wouldn't buy the special food or drinks he liked to have on hand, or clean the house the way he liked it. But we never talked about it. We just carried on doing things the way we always had. Heading for destruction without knowing that was the road we were on. Or at least I didn't. I naively assumed that "for better or worse til death do us part" was a vow we both meant. I know better now.

We separated 3 or 4 times once I found out about his girlfriend of 4 years, when I was 3 months pregnant, and I raised the 3 kids on my own for the most part.

One of the times we had got back together resulted in another pregnancy. I knew the moment my son was conceived. My husband seemed excited about this pregnancy and I thought things might work out, but here I was 3 years later sobbing at my kitchen table as he packed a few things and walked out the door for the last time!

I now really needed my growing strength and independence and I determined to give my children the best that I could. I knew I would have to work hard, but I didn't want them to suffer any losses. We remained in our small home while he went on to buy a larger one. That rankled, but I let it pass. I had my children, that was more important.

I spent years at the hockey rinks as 3 out of 4 children played hockey, 2 boys, 1 girl, and the other daughter skated.

I attended gigs as my sons played in various bands. I attended plays and musicals where they had major and minor roles.

I helped with homework. I begged, pleaded, scolded, disciplined, threatened and loved my kids. I knew that too soon they would be gone.

The years have passed and my children have left home. I have begun a certificate program in Teaching Adults. I look ahead to the future and make plans for me. I can read that pile of books I have on hand, sew those quilts, take dance lessons, go to movies, whatever I want.

The choice is mine, as it has always been. I choose to live, to explore, to dream -- with enthusiasm!

• • •

We all know that in life, not everyone has it excellently going for them. Facing struggles and issues are inevitable; some may experience it everyday in little doses while some have it harder by having the good life all along and then suddenly... Boom! It's like all happiness is taken away from them and they are faced with years of hardships. Big or small, these are tests of life that people around us are waiting to see if we will be swallowed whole by it, or conquer it. Divorce is just one of those whales of problems waiting to swallow us up, but you are a strong person just like Fran Watson who stood up for her herself and took charge of life's problems, there is always a detour available to a new, happy life out of broken, dark roads.

Voices Part IV: Winner's Opinion

Perhaps one opinion of a prominent figure in the Philippines that should not be neglected is Manny Pacquiao's. Not only because heis the #1 boxer in the world that the Philippines takes pride of, but also because he is an elected Philippine President of the Sarangani province.

Manny Pacquiao has voiced out what he has to say about the negotiation in the Congress of the divorce bill. He took a conservative stand against the divorce bill and on Malta's action to legalizing divorce as per what the people wanted. He said, “Ay, di ako agree diyan sa divorce. Hindi maganda 'yan,” in a taped interview for “Startalk TX” aired on June 11, 2011. Just like how he expressed his disapproval for the Reproductive Health Bill, the Saranggani Representative used the Bible to support his anti-divorce stance, “Nasa Bibliya na bawal iluwa 'yung nasubo mo na.” He added, “napakalaking kasalanan din yang divorce.” The boxing world champion further supported the opinions and beliefs he strongly believe in, stressing, “Kapag ipinasa natin yang divorce bill, parang tinuturuan natin yung mga tao na 'maghiwalay na kayo,' ganyan. Samantalang pwede pa namang pag-usapan yun na ibalik sa dati, ganon.” I understand Pacquiao's opinion because I am coming from the same anti-divorce stance, but then again it is arguable that divorce is not something that directly says, “newly married couples, separate!” To spouses that cannot reconcile their differences and issues anymore, divorce could be their only solution. The former statement could also imply then that the available legal ways to separate provided by the Philippine Constitution like annulment also promotes, “couples, separate!” After this thought, I read that Pacquiao said this is why people should not rush into marriage and instead think very hard about it before marrying anyone.

Finally Pacquiao advised, “Kayo ay ikinasal. Hindi tayo sumumpa sa harap ng tao, sa harapan ng pari lang, kundi sumumpa ka sa harapan ng Panginoon.”

People usually do not take the boxer's opinions very seriously. Filipinos just laugh off what he has to say and find humor in it. After all, people think he only attained his political position because of his world boxing popularity. But I think this stance of his on divorce is one that Filipinos should acknowledge and give him the credibility that he is due.

Sources:
http://ph.news.yahoo.com/pacquiao-says-no-divorce-bill-102522331.html
http://www.mb.com.ph/articles/322483/manny-pacquiao-slams-divorce-bill
http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/nation/regions/05/30/11/pacquiao-says-no-divorce-bill

Divorce Stories: Your Life, Your Choice

Here is a 2-part inspiring story of Fran Watson, a career and employment counselor or coach. Her life during a marriage she was not happy in and what pulled the final string.

• • •

The pain in my chest was so intense I wondered if I would survive. It seemed like my heart was puffing up, expanding at a tremendous rate and I thought it would explode right through my chest. It was almost unbearable. The tears fell in torrents as I gasped for breath.

My marriage had ended.

I had asked him to leave. I finally tired of his affairs and knew I could make it on my own. But the hurt and raw emotion of the past 20 years seethed through my body threatening to burst through its very cells. It felt like his leaving wrenched the heart right out of my body leaving me nothing but pain and emptiness.

Looking back, with the wisdom gained over the past 15 years, I can see the little warning signs, like when he got into the front seat of the Volkswagen with the best man after putting men in the back as we left our wedding reception on our way to our honeymoon.

And when we were married only 4 months and were living in a motel room for 3 months while we looked for an apartment, he was doing tax returns and coming back late at night. I usually asked one of the cable installers for a drive, but he never thought to check if I had a ride home. One night in the dead of winter, I didn't. Back then we couldn't wear pants to work and the skirts were short. It was about 10 miles from work to the motel and I had no money, so I started walking. I walked til I was blue with cold and stopped into a garage to get warm. I asked them how far 50 cents might get me in a taxi and told them where I was staying at the motel.
We never really learned to communicate with each other. We were so young. I was just 18, fresh out of high school.

My dad was a quiet man. He never discussed his feelings, nor did my mother, so I accepted my husband's not talking to me about things as normal. He on the other hand had listened to his mother, "go on and on while my dad listened and said, uh huh every now and then." So he learned that nothing I said needed to be paid attention to.

Where were all those marriage courses that might have shown us the error of our ways? Why didn't I trust my intuition and go for help that first year after I saw the doctor who told me I was much too young to take pills for my nerves?

What his actions did was to build more strength and independence in me. That's what he said he wanted before we were married. He didn't want someone like his mom who was always sick and overly dependent on his dad, but when I look at the women he was with over the years, that's exactly what he chose. His current wife has been suffering form various ailments over the 30 years that I've known her.

Source: http://www.franwatson.ca/stories.html

Tips For The New Life

After going through a divorce, people would usually ‘find themselves’ again, experiencing life alone, learning the ropes of being single again after months or years of dependence on a spouse. Others take the extra mile of reviving who they really are after a marriage struggle by going on vacation trips abroad. And then there are those who want to get back on the dating scene again. After all, isn’t that one of the ‘greatest’ perks of divorce? You are no longer married, you are not committing bigamy in the eyes of law anymore, so why not search for a new person to share yourself with? But before that, here are some tips to consider before diving into the future that could majorly change your life (again).

Take time to get into another relationship. Particularly if you have had trust issues with your ex-spouse, taking your time before jumping into a new "committed" relationship is a good idea. Some experts suggest introducing your new date to friends and family to check out the "fit." Some suggest waiting a period of time before committing to a physical relationship. Whatever you decide, trust your gut instincts on the person's trustworthiness before moving forward with a more permanent relationship.

Be careful online. It's commonplace to meet dates online. In fact, some experts consider it much easier than past singles venues. If you decide to go the online route, make certain you are cautious at first with details about your life, meet your potential dates in high-traffic areas for coffee or lunch before inviting someone into your home. While many people do find their soulmates online, it's still good to be careful as you introduce new people into your life.

Consider therapy before remarriage.
Statistics show that many second marriages end in divorce as well. So as you prepare before your wedding, make certain you understand the commitment you are making. A marriage therapist can help you and your new partner make the most of your relationship by helping you unload your baggage from the past with new communication or relationship techniques to help make this time around better for both of you. If you cannot afford amarriage counselor, some government agencies offer low-cost alternatives. And some churches often have their own version of religious pre-marital counseling, which can help.

Know what you're getting into with children. If your new spouse has children and so do you, having his and hers in the house – with the potential of an “ours” someday – can be chaotic and make for a difficult adjustment period. “The Brady Bunch” is just a TV show. No matter whose they are, children are a life-time responsibility. And stepparenting in the real world requires communication, patience and love. Consider research on stepparenting, support groups or other ways to connect with your new family.

Know your finances and know your new parter's finances also. If you’re both spenders, you may want to discuss this and get some financial counseling and set some rules for the relationship before you move in together. If this was a problem in your previous relationship, don’t let it be a problem again. It may not sound romantic, but it’s realistic. Putting together a financial budget, making certain you can support your lifestyle together and figuring out who commits what to its financial health will give you both peace of mind as you move into your future together.

Consider a prenuptual agreement. If you didn’t sign a prenuptial agreement in your previous relationship, perhaps this time you’ll think about this financial option. This is particularly important if you have accumulated financial assets – a home, business, 401K or other investments – before your marriage. This protects both of you, should the relationship ever founder. You can find legal paperwork on the Internet, but an attorney is a better alternative if you have the money to obtain one.

Know -- and understand -- any prior financial commitments. Does your potential spouse pay child support or alimony or have to keep an insurance policy or arrange travel for children on the holidays or during the summer as part of a court-ordered decree? While you are not legally responsible for any of this if you marry, you are responsible for your own financial and mental wellbeing. Stress can accompany debt. And if he or she is already financially committed by the courts, you should consider whether long-term this is a relationship that you can live with, given you will likely carry the financial load if you marry – and if you decide to have children.

Sources:
http://www.divorce360.com/divorce-articles/after-divorce/love/moving-on-checklist-steps-to-consider-after-divorce.aspx?artid=359
http://www.divorce360.com/divorce-articles/after-divorce/love/moving-on-checklist-steps-to-consider-after-divorce.aspx?artid=359&page=2

Family Businesses and Divorce

In my last post, I gathered information about the surprising, not commonly mentioned connection of the toll divorce could take on our endangered environment today. Now, I read an article by Bernardo Villegas talking about the connection of family and business stability. Here’s what it says.

“Divorce is not only a moral plague. It is a social and economic cancer to society.” Pretty strong words to flavor an introductory paragraph. But that is not all. The article goes on to say there is another sphere in society in which broken marriages can threaten the common good and that is the importance of family-controlled corporations in most European and Asian countries. What corporations? Well, we all know the Ayala Corporation is mostly run by the Zobel de Ayala’s, and there’s the Sy’s of SM Corporation. When Bernardo Villegas was a visiting professor at the IESE Business School, its experts told him that family breakups are jeopardizing the very future of some of the large corporations in Europe. Legal squabbles among the family owners and their in-laws can actually destroy industrial peace within a business corporation.

Villegas cited an August 2010 article from the Financial Times by Geoffrey Owen, giving him another reason why divorce should not be introduced into the Philippines. It may destabilize the economy by destroying industrial peace in many of family-controlled companies in the nation. As Owen wrote, “family-controlled corporations are still predominant in emerging markets like the Philippines.”

“Part of the rationale behind family-controlled business organizations is that they make up for missing or underdeveloped economic institutions. Where public capital markets are insignificant or even non-existent, business owners are forced to finance themselves internally and to invest surplus funds in other businesses they can control directly. The ease of decision-making in these key result areas of a family business can be easily derailed by messy legal suits usually associated with divorce litigation. Where the legal system is unreliable and trust in commercial relationships is lacking, owners can cut risk by placing family members in key positions. They can also develop an internal labor market. Groups let talented people move between businesses without relying on an external job market rife with fraudulent certifications. It is said that the best business school in such a country might well be the dinner table of a powerful business family.”

“There are more important reasons to object to legalizing divorce in the Philippines. The threat to business stability, however, can be added to the myriads of social, economic, and cultural harm that can come to our country if we allow valid marriage contracts to be broken. I hope that the President's objection to divorce will include the prohibition to remarry. It is in fact the introduction of strangers to the original family that can cause chaos in a family enterprise. “

Source: http://www.mb.com.ph/articles/277383/family-and-business-stability

Divorce and the Environment?

Who would have thought that divorce could turn out to be detrimental to the environment? We know that the our environment is not at its best state anymore despite more constant efforts now, compared to before, of alleviating the damage of air, noise and water pollution. I try my best to be an advocate of eco-friendliness and I have just found the right article to add another reason as to why I choose to contradict the divorce bill. Published on 2007, I chanced upon the article “Divorce turns out to be costly for the environment” and here is what it has to say.

Yet another function of modern life has been determined to be dangerous to the environment: divorce. Increasing rates of divorce have become rampant in many countries around the world, and each time a family dissolves, the result is two new households. An ecologist from Michigan State University in America named Jianguo Liu who analyzed the environmental impact of divorce said, “a married household actually uses resources efficiently than a divorced household.” Why and how so? It is because more households mean more use of land, water and energy—which are the three most critical resources in our planet today. The numbers of these resources are rapidly trickling down because of over-consumption from an over-populated world.

Liu, who researches the relationship of ecology with social sciences said people were initially surprised with his findings and then thought it was actually something very simple. “Households with fewer people are simply not as efficient as those with more people sharing.” In the United States for instance, Liu cited, it had 16.5 million households headed by a divorced person in 2005 and just over 60 million households headed by a married person. Per person, divorce households spent more per month for electricity compared to a married household as multiple can do household activities at the same time. According to Liu’s calculations, that meant about $6.9 billion in extra utility per year, $3.6 billion for water and cost for land.

However, Liu stressed that he is not condemning divorce. Indeed the findings show some contradiction in a way that people have been talking about how to protect the environment and combat climate change, but divorce is an overlooked factor, which is rarely considered. He knows some couples really need to get divorced but Liu said, “one way to be more environmentally friendly is to live with other people and that will reduce the impact..”

So are you ready to get divorced from your spouse but still live with them to become more eco-friendly? That most certainly is an absurd situation but then again, more than physical, financial and emotional damage, this article gives a fresh new insight on also considering the environmental factors of divorce.

Source: http://mb.com.ph/node/52624

Voices Part III

I stumbled upon Senator Alan Peter Cayetano’s opinion on divorce that was a year old in Manila Bulletin online. Nonetheless, it is still an opinion that deserves to be heard because of its timeliness in bringing back the divorce bill debate in the Philippines.

Senator Cayetano is against the passage of the divorce law. This is because he said it would only create damage even to problem-free marriages. The senator said, “I do not think divorce is a solution. Let us remedy marriage problems with the best remedy available.,” on an interview conducted last August 2010. He did not exactly say what that “best remedy” was but it is safe to assume that he was pertaining to the current, available legal options for problematic marriages to separate. In the Philippines, legal separation, annulment and dissolution of marriage is available in accordance to specific grounds that I have cited in one of my earlier blog posts.

Cayetano further said, “If you allow divorce, we are not only addressing the problematic marriage but even the non-problematic marriages will be affected.” The senator said that he was aware that there are prevalent cases of marriages in the Philippines wherein physical and emotional harm makes it impossible to restore the happiness couples and children long for. But he adds, “I’m afraid that if we allow divorce specially the kind of US-style no fault divorce, it might cause more harm than good.” Cayetano described that people with marital problems are a ‘minority’ group and so they can look for a solution through annulment. He suggested, “That can be addressed by strengthening annulment as a remedy to psychological incapacity.” The lawmaker’s sister, Senator Pia Cayetano is another one anti-divorce.

Here we have another figure saying that divorce is not a solution or a remedy to failed marriages. But I do appreciate Senator Cayetano's acknowledgement that marriages are imperfect; it is already prevalent in the society that many of it cannot be restored. Just like Senator Cayetano, I believe the Philippines should just make the best of what they have instead of spending a lot of time and money debating whether or not to pass the divorce bill.

Reference: http://www.mb.com.ph/articles/273468/cayetano-says-divorce-not-solution-marital-problems

Divorce Stories: Take Charge

Here is another inspirational story of a woman, “Ash” who conquered the negative aspects of life after divorce. In this story, she tells us how taking charge of your life can still make you happy after years of emotional struggle from failed marriage.

• • •

I didn’t think I would end up right here. I’m a 28yr old, attractive, gainfully employed female, still young by the way, and I’m divorced. I’m not gonna spend all day talking about what went wrong because, quite frankly, I’m afraid I’d wear away my fingers before I finished. What I will tell you is that I didn’t know the man as well as I thought I did until after the honeymoon was over. He was not somebody that I would want to spend the rest of my life with, and I’m pretty sure that that life would have been shorter if I had stayed. Now comes the hard part, life after divorce.

We had been married about five years before the split happened, so it was a big change to suddenly be single again. The first thing I did was to distance myself from things that reminded me of our time together. Pictures, wedding videos, even sheets that had too many memories had to go. Then, I decided to reconnect with some of the people that I had pushed into the background. I didn’t think it would be helpful to surround myself with happy couples, particularly ones that had been friends to both of us. Many people talk about joining a support group or something like that to survive life after divorce. Well, my friends were my support group. They reminded me of who I used to be and who I still was. I needed that.

Next thing I did was to tell those friends I reconnected with to shut up. Sorry, I don’t subscribe to the whole “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” point of view. I decided to spend some time by myself to figure out what I really wanted out of life. I figured that if I wanted to be happy with myself and my life after divorce, then I would have to learn to just be happy in the first place.

The last thing I did was to accept my part in the failure of my marriage. It’s easy to blame everything on him. It’s harder to accept the blame that I have too. When I was ready to, after I let the anger fade and before I went back out into the dating arena, I took stock of what happened and actually faced up to what I did wrong. All of this is in the past. What’s in the present is my life after divorce, with me feeling better about myself and learning that, while I made some mistakes, I’m a great catch. I have learned not to push a guy’s buttons until he loses it. I have learned to step back and assess the situation, and if it was worth the arguments that I had.

I have also learned that no matter who you marry, some changes in that person are inevitable after marriage. Accept it. They will not be 100% what they were when you were dating. I wish I would’ve known those things earlier, but it’s ok, it’s not the end of the world. I have moved on, but I am here for any woman who has had a divorce to let her know it’s ok, life can and will go on

Source: http://www.gotinspiration.org/content/150-Life-after-divorce

Divorce Stories: Don't Let Divorce Separate You From Yourself

Here is another inspiring story of life after divorce from a woman named “Michelle.” Indeed, what her story has to proves that the saying that there is always a silver lining in every cloud.

• • •

As a young woman, many people would think that I have not yet lived long enough to experience life. I am a month shy of my 24th birthday and already I have accomplished and experienced more things than many women twice my age. I have graduated high school, been married, had a child, owned myown business, been divorced, owned a home, found my "soul mate" and had another child.

I’ve had many people tell me that I am divorced today because I was
married too young. I was 18 when I got married to my ex-husband. I was 19 when I had my first child, but I believe strongly that maturity has much more to do with your advancement in life than age. Luckily for me, I was raised to be independent. I’ve never depended on anyone to take care of me. Of course I had help from my parents, especially while going through my divorce. They were my support. They gave me and my son a place to live and helped me get back on my feet. But me being the independent “femi-nazi” as my dad would put it, was back on my own in a short 6 months. I had bought my own home before my divorce was even final.

I think I knew before we were married, that we would not work together. He came from a “high class” family and never had to do without. I came from a middle class family that worked every day of their lives to get what they had. These teachings followed us for years to come. He thought money grew ontrees, while I was “frugal”. Probably more than I had to be. The statistics say that the main reason for divorce is financial difficulties. I guess I’m just another statistic.
After my divorce, I decided to be the best person I could be. I made the choice the day I left, that I would never rely on my ex for financial support. I work very hard to do what I need to for my family. I’ve made great strides to become a better person and better mother, because of my ex-husband.

About 6 months after our separation, I met someone, who is now the love of my life. He went through a divorce around the same time I did. He also has a son a few months older than my own. We are “peas in a pod”. Life does get better after divorce! And if you try hard enough, it will be better than you could have imagined. There was a period of time after the initial split that I thought my life would never get better, that I would never make it on my own. I was wrong. I thought up this quote one day, shortly after my separation, and have lived by it ever since. “Good things don’t happen to people. People make good things happen.” Every time I am down and think the world is against me, I recite this line in my head and realize that I have to make the difference. I have to make the extra effort to make my life the way I want it to be.

I am now a full time working mother. I am the breadwinner of my now
“blended” family. As much as I would love to be a stay at home mom, I
can’t bring myself to depend on someone else for financial stability. I live with, but am not married to, a man that I truly love. We recently added a beautiful baby boy to our growing family. I have never in my life been happier than I am today. Together, we have 3 wonderful little boys and a relationship that anyone should be jealous of. I can’t say that I’m happy that I am 24 years old and divorced, but I am grateful that there was light at the end of that dark tunnel, and a better world on the other side. I kept my head up, kept myself strong and looked for a positive outcome. A positive outcome is exactly what I got!

Source: http://www.womandivorcesupport.com/divorce-articles/real-women-divorce-stories/dont-let-divorce-separate-you-from-yourself

Divorce Stories: Daddy Has A New Friend

I came across a series of stories about women who have gone through or are going through divorce online and I thought it was a good idea to share with you. I think lessons, more than being taught from lectures or discussions by teachers, professors and adults (not implying you do not learn anything from them), are best learned through other people’s experiences. Especially if you hear about it first-hand and know exactly what the person is going through physically and emotionally. So the next few blog posts will be short stories from women that I hope we could learn a thing or two from and help us choose what side to take on the debate of divorce in the Philippines.

• • •

Your ex-husband has taken it upon himself to introduce your children to his new squeeze, the 22-year old that he met last weekend at the bar. What is your response?

Okay, change the scenario. Your ex-husband took your 6 year old daughter to McDonalds' restaurant, accompanied by his 23-year old new girlfriend. What is your response? How should you act?

It happened to me...

One month ago, after a visit with her father, my daughter told me about daddy's friend, "she's so pretty and her hair is so long". I gradually came to realize that daddy's new friend was indeed his new girlfriend. Friends in the local community "did me a favor" by embellishing upon these details.
Swallowing the small amount of pride that I still retained, I contacted my former husband and asked him to confirm that, indeed, he had his new girlfriend accompany my daughter on his custodial visit. He confirmed that, indeed, together they had all visited the beach with friends (former mutual friends, I might add).

Attempting to contain my anger, in a somewhat futile manner, I said, "what happens if she gets attached to... this one?" He explained that this new girlfriend was of a sweet, disposition, from a "good" family, shared his background and values (which was a good thing??) and he trusted her. However, he did indicate that he understood my concern.

Skip to 2 months later... I still tremble when my daughter compliments the pretty friend and her pretty clothing. However, I am slightly reassured by this woman's kind and gentle interactions with my child. I am also slightly reassured by my communications with my former husband insofar as he understands the implications of introducing a girlfriend to your child.

I don't know how I will handle the day when my daughter asks me why her father is being physically affectionate with his pretty friend. I don't know how I will explain this to her or explain it to myself. For now, I smile nicely when my daughter tells me how the pretty woman held her hand, as they crossed the street, or purchased her favorite candy. I turn my face and wipe my angry tears away, and I deal with it. —Sharon

It may not be the most hear-wrenching, dramatic divorce story because it was just a glimpse of what the pain “Sharon” could have been feeling. Divorce is really a risk, more than yourself, it also affects children. Such situations could be detrimental to them being willing to trust and be attached with a new person their parents could be with. Moreover, it would be painful to see the sight of someone who could replace you as your child’s parent.

Source: http://www.womandivorcesupport.com/divorce-articles/real-women-divorce-stories/daddy-has-a-new-friend-a-true-story

It's All Out

I have made my stand on divorce. I thought deciding if I was pro- or anti-divorce would take a lot more thought than I have already done while typing divorce blog posts here. But it just came to me the way I decided on other things, which was when I was taking a steaming hot shower one night.

I am anti-divorce. It was more of a light bulb moment. I thought, when I get married and have my own family, would I want an option for my husband and I to divorce? No. No. No. Not at all! Because no matter how hard and dreading a situation my family and I would come across, we will work at it, strengthen our relationship and fight it. Cheesy as it sounds but, try and try until you succeed. Marriage is an institution of God that should not be broken—like what the Bible says; do not let man destroy what God created. Moreover, do not void marriage with someone you were created to be with. I also thought as a child, would I want my parents to have the option of divorce in the future? No, again. Of course it is inevitable that marriages are imperfect, people discover flaws in each other through time that they might not be able to bare and live with for the rest of their life, and eventually have to separate. Separation merely means people being apart from each other physically. Since separation is unavoidable, I accept it—some people may have really been trying hard at their marriage for a decade but cannot seem to make it work anymore. But divorce is another story; it is a legal dissolution of marriage. Sure, through paper the divorce may be null and void but it is at the same time bound by the faith, church and specially God as witness. Again, mankind should not destroy what He has created. So the element of marriage may still be there, and if divorced couples remarry other people they would be committing another sin—adultery. So there, it is all out now. But I promise that my succeeding posts will remain nonbiased despite being anti-divorce. And I do not have anything against those who support divorce. In this debate, respect towards one’s opinions should be valued. All of us come from different walks of life, some of you might have experienced being in a troubled family and think that divorce would be the best solution to ease the situation, while some, like me wants to think of things with optimism and positivity—that I would never, and do not ever want to go through such a situation. So I will do my best as a daughter to keep my family in its peaceful and blissful state right now and in the future, work hard everyday at building a strong, God-centered marriage.

Would you want to look at the future seeing the possibility of an unhappy, unworkable marriage? And have the option to divorce? Or look at the future trying each and everyday—for the sake of yourself, your spouse and your children—to have an unbroken family?

Wait, What?

While I was reading the latest tweets on my Twitter feed, I couldn’t help but notice ABS-CBN’s tweet headlined ‘Marriage going out of fashion in Philippines’. So I just had to click the link and check out what it had to say.

Oftentimes, we read and hear arguments that Filipinos value the institution of marriage too much to allow divorce. It has become a tradition to get married after a long-term relationship. The headline came as a shock to me because it was so contradictory! The government census office said that marriage is losing its luster in the Philippines, with several couples starting families out of wedlock. The latest population census shows that more than 36 percent of the 1.78 million babies born in Asia were conceived from unmarried mothers. Nene Baligad, a member of the National Statistics Office or NSO said that marriage has now just become an option for Filipinos, not a requirement or tradition before starting families. I find this fact appalling in a way that such a decision could mean the loss of a child’s right to legitimacy. I do not mean to demean couples that accidentally have a baby and choose not to get married yet, of course marriage should be carefully thought about first especially if the couple is young, and not just for the sake of the baby. But there are couples that decide to live-in, create a family and completely ignore the element of marriage. I do not understand why people must choose and live such a lifestyle—get married only after having four or five children said Baligad. A more saddening statement she released was, “you can’t really say it’s for practical reasons, since you can be married on the cheap. It’s more like, we Filipinos tend to follow what is in fashion.” Fashion? I love fashion and I think Filipinas are doing a good job keeping track of the latest in fashion, clothing fashion that is. Must Filipinos always have to follow the Westerns? Since when did marriage even have “trends”? It is no wonder then that some Filipinos are in support of divorce in order to “keep up with the world.” Not only is the census showing that couples are defying the moral and religious standards by conceiving babies out of wedlock, but also shunning church weddings as marriages solemnized by the church or government officials have fallen 0.7 percent.

Are saving money for a wedding to buy your child’s milk, or keeping up with the world’s trends really good excuses to escape marriage? I beg to differ. I think nothing is more beautiful than having a relationship, sharing the rest of your life with someone that is honored and blessed by God, the church and the government. To some, it may just be a paper, a formality, and marriage is more of a state of mind. But then again only the ceremony of marriage can legitimize that thought, no matter how happy and long your family has been established without marriage.

Source: http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/lifestyle/07/15/11/marriage-going-out-fashion-philippines

Hell of a Trap

I think the earliest memory I had of learning about separation in marriage was when I watched the Parent Trap. It was a movie produced in 1998 so I was about 6 years old at that time. In 1998, I probably did not think that the situation presented in the movie was somewhat destructive. Instead I found it entertaining that it was possible to do some camera tricks and make Lindsay Lohan appear to have a twin. Oh, and she was cute back then! I still watch it until now—I’m already half way done with my 18th year—and it is definitely one of those movies you don’t get sick of. Although I have watched it several times, I always forget how it ends. I think that is because the movie is not so much about the ending, after all, we do know that the twins’ parents would eventually get back together to make a happy ending. You’ll love the movie because of what goes on the ‘middle’. But yesterday, when I watched the movie again, I took on a different perspective. I decided that it was one of those movies that I could write about and relate to the theme of this blog.

The movie begins with two girls, Hallie and Annie, who are sent to a summer camp whose paths eventually cross. They practically looked like identical twins—which they really were—and discovered that the parent they were living with; Hallie with her dad in California and Annie with her mom in London, were actually married once. In conclusion, they were twin sisters. They decided to switch places and get to know the parent they were separated from for 11 years of their life. Since eventually they would have to be exchanged again, it would mean their parents had to meet again after swearing never to do so. But there was a little bump on the road when their father gets engaged but thankfully, it does not work out with Cruella de Vil. Hallie and Elizabeth journey back to London thinking their family will remain broken but they are astonished when they arrive home seeing Annie and Nick. The parents get married and they live happily ever after.

When I was a child, all I thought about was how amusing Hallie and Annie’s “friendship handshake” was to the point that I tried learning it, that their mother was a wedding gown designer and the British accent was just amusing to hear. It was called The Parent Trap because the twins trapped their parents in a situation that would try to reunite their family. But last night I thought, the 11 years of ignorance and separation could also dub the movie “The Children Trap.” Upon further reflection, I thought what a selfish trap their parents put them in. They could have never met and never thought they had a sibling, and see their parents in the flesh. Their parents separated and vowed not to see each other ever again just so that they could get out of each other’s hair. Separation and divorce may be about the couple at first, but when children are involved, the situation can definitely trap and scar them. Lucky for the twins, their once-reckless parents who took things too fast got married again in the end. But more often than not, a lot of children in sticky separated families do not get the happy ending they want.

Everyday, we make decisions in life that could change our lives forever. And marriage is one of those because marriage is a commitment to share the remaining entirety of your life with someone and eventually conceive children. And when you bring out life to this world, it is the couple’s responsibility to protect them from any emotional and physical harm. But what if you fell in love in a month? Got married 3 months after your 1st date? Conceived a baby way before your marriage? Decided to separate because it just does not work anymore? Have you not already made a major decision that could turn around a child’s supposedly good life?

Foreign Complications

When you ask people – Filipinos – like what politicians and celebrities have to say about divorce, there is usually a common idea stemming from the pro side and the con side. Those who are anti-divorce usually say passing the law will destroy the institution of marriage and it is immoral as said in the Bible. While on the other hand, the pro-divorce say passing the law is a chance, a choice that should be available for Filipinos suffering in distraught marriages.

I stumbled upon an article from the Philippine Daily Inquirer, one of the more credible newspapers in the country, that said passing the divorce bill can most especially benefit Overseas Filipino Workers (OFWs). It is not foreign to us that millions of Filipinos are scattered across the world working for themselves and their families that they have either established in the foreign country, or live in the Philippines. The article told stories of complications Filipino immigrants experience with their married life because of the absence of the option of divorce in the country. And in most cases, although they were granted divorce in those foreign countries, at the end of the day – if they are still Filipino citizens – the Family Code binds them and divorce is not recognized.

The Real Widow
Clemente is a Filipino World War II veteran who married Marieta. After living together for one year, Marieta and Clemente separated. Both parties then found new partners and began living with their new partners without the benefit of marriage. For more than 50 years, Clemente lived with his partner Diana and they had three children who are now adults. After suffering from cancer, Clemente passed away last year. As a war veteran, he was receiving compensation benefits from the Veteran’s Administration.
When Diana applied for compensation benefit as the widow of a veteran, she was denied the benefit as she was not the legal wife. Marieta, on the other hand, also filed for the benefit and will most likely be granted the widow’s benefit instead of Diana. If divorce were legal in the Philippines at the time Clemente was alive, the pension would have gone to Diana who actually lived with Clemente for several decades and who took care of him during all these years.

Threat of Bigamy
Sylvia, a US citizen, married Mario and petitioned him for an immigrant visa. Prior to their marriage, Mario was actually married to Jane who lives in Manila. Since the Philippines does not recognize divorce, Mario filed for dissolution of their marriage in Las Vegas. A divorce decree was obtained in Las Vegas declaring the marriage of Mario and Jane dissolved for all legal purposes.
Mario’s second marriage to Sylvia, however, did not work well and he decided to return to the Philippines for good. Now that he is back in the Philippines, Jane is threatening to file a bigamous marriage case against Mario. Under Philippine law, Mario was still considered married to Jane at the time he married Sylvia. The dissolution of marriage that Mario obtained in Las Vegas is not valid in the Philippines as both parties were Filipino citizens at the time the divorce was obtained.

Victim of Abuse
Purificacion was married to David for five years. After just a few months of marriage, David turned violent. He was verbally abusive and beat Purificacion regularly. Purificacion tried to stay in the marital union because of strong pressure from other family members. Finally, she was able leave David and migrate to the US. Purificacion, as a victim of domestic violence, filed for divorce in California where it was granted. She is now living separately from her abusive husband.

US Divorces
Marriage issues are common in immigration cases. In these cases, prior divorce by the party being petitioned is crucial to a valid petition by US citizens.
Luckily for some who have the financial ability to travel abroad, divorce can be obtained in countries where it is recognized. However, those with no financial capacity are compelled to live with their broken marriages. When the right opportunity comes, and a US citizen (or any other foreigner) wishes to marry a Filipino who is already separated from his or her spouse, no such possibility is provided as there is no divorce in the Philippines and subsequent remarriages are not valid.

With approximately four million Filipinos in America, the divorce rate among Filipino families is not at all high. We still bring with us the culture and values of Filipino families, despite the availability of divorce as an option.
However, a nation that cares for its citizenry must not just protect the family as an institution but also the individuals who comprise that family. Providing options to legalize divorce does not automatically mean a mushrooming of divorced families—it should be perceived more as a regulated way of protecting individual rights and upholding values of fairness when cases arise that will warrant a termination of marital relationship.

Source: http://globalnation.inquirer.net/3308/legalizing-divorce-will-help-many-overseas-filipinos

What The Stars Say

If government officials did not exist, the next bunch of prominent people Filipinos would probably listen to be the local celebrities. After all, it is obvious that the Filipino masses are always ‘all up in their grill’. So here are some celebrities who have made the most out their limelight status to voice out their opinion on divorce here in the Philippines.

In an interview on a late-night gossip show, actress Ruffa Gutierrez said that she was definitely for the proposed measured, however it should still be based on strict grounds. Her opinion was so because she herself went through a very rough marriage. She further said that the divorce bill should have very strict sanctions—it shouldn’t be a couple’s resort just for the reason that they do not want the marriage anymore. “But I think if a partner is continuously cheating, there’s domestic violence involved, criminal activities, drugs, alcoholism,” Ruffa said these reasons could be valid for a divorce so that, “you can have a chance to be happy again.”

Another well-known Philippine TV figure and stand-up comedian, Vice Ganda, voiced his support for the divorce bill to be passed in the Philippines. He said that if annulment is already allowed in the nation, why not divorce? Ganda thought there is no reason that divorce won’t work in the Philippines if it has in other countries that allow that law.

ABS-CBN’s talk show hosts Biance Gonzales and Boy Abunda also expressed that they are pro-divorce. The latter said, “ako mayroon akong kapamilya who had an annulment, at mahirap, matagal, nahirapan talaga sila na makuha iyon. Dahil doon, naniniwala ako sa diborsyo.” Just like Ruffa Guiterrez, Gonzales agreed that divorce should only be allowed under certain circumstances. Boy Abunda added to the conversation, “it’s good that the whole country is talking. We’re engaging each other in this national conversation para marating po natin kung ano ang tama para sa atin. Ako I am for divorce.”

Of course there are also Filipino celebrities who are anti-divorce and this is what they have to say.

Pokwang, a famous comedienne and noontime show host loved by the masses for her elaborate attires and entertaining humor said she thinks she is not in favor or divorce. “Pero nasa pag-uusap naman na ng mag-asawa iyan eh. Pag-usapan niyo ang tama na dapat gawin para hindi maapektuhan ang bata. Mas maganda talaga ‘yong kayo ang nag-aayos.”

Divorce will only take away the sanctity of marriage says another anti-divorce actress Candy Pangilinan. Even if she herself is separated, she does not agree with divorce. she believes that if now that there is no divorce, there are already so many separated couples, so many are thinking less of the sanctity of marriage, so what more if there is divorce.

Meanwhile, KC Concepcion currently does not know where to stand but she believes that biblically, it’s better when couples work out at their marriage.

I am not a fan of hers but that is one opinion I can definitely relate to. While I type this blog, I still do not know where to stand. Maybe my beliefs are too broad or vague to make exclusive to one side of the divorce argument in the Philippines. But yes, I do agree with Concepcion. I think marriages are a matter of “try and try until you succeed.” I am not married yet but I do know that marriage is something you have to work on every day, for the rest – forever – of your relationship.

Source:

http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/entertainment/06/22/11/celebs-weigh-divorce-debate

What Happened?

In the Philippines, those from the Gabriela party list authored the divorce bill, an organization empowering women and their rights so it is safe to say that the bill was authored for women’s protection against violence from abusive marriages. But clearly, there are more reasons than assault and battery that call for the divorce. Many research studies cite their own version of the top reasons for divorce so here are some them based from observations on countries that offer that choice.

A study conducted by Creighton University Center for Marriage and Family suggested that time, sex and money pose the three biggest obstacles to the satisfaction of newly married couples. It found that debt, balance of job and family and frequency of sexual relations were of greatest concern to those ages 29 and under.

Meanwhile in Korea, the divorce rate increased commonly due to infidelity, with a shocking 70% of couples divorced because of that reason, along with physical and mental abuse, and personality conflicts. Many Koreans believed that the rising rate reflects the decline of their traditional values, along with the impact of western lifestyle and pressures of modern urban life.

Infidelity is most certainly a rampant cause of divorce couples have difficulty getting over because adultery does create permanent damage to a relationship—it definitely breaks the trust of the harmed spouse and we all know trust is an important element to build a relationship. Engaging in sexual activities with someone who is not your spouse is a serious problem. It can be argued that infidelity could be the symptom of a much bigger problem in the marriage. It could lead to resentment, emotion issues, and even health concern such as sexually transmitted infections.

Another research states lack of communication as one of the causes of divorce, which leads to not discussing each other’s feelings, mutual and personal issues that eventually lead to resentment. Divorce often happens because people rarely discuss their expectations prior to the marriage, are less willing to work on their marriage afterwards and resolve to quick fixes rather than resolve issues and try harder at the relationship. How appalling is it that people have divorced because of trivial reasons like snoring!

Commitment issues could also be a cause for divorce. In today’s modern age, some engaged couples are ill prepared for the inevitable ups and downs that come with married life. Their focus is on the day of the wedding and not on the forthcoming days after the ‘big day’. Couples today do not value “for better or for worse, until death do us part” as much.

Money makes the world go round. As much as we would like to say that life is not all about money, we do feel handicapped when we lack finances to support our needs and luxuries. Being financially stable in this time of recession is definitely a challenge especially to married couples with children. And even spouses’ attitudes toward money could also lead to divorce.

Sources:

http://www.divorcereform.org/cau.html

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/common-causes-and-reasons-for-divorce.html

http://divorce.lovetoknow.com/Causes_of_Divorce

Voices Part II

If there is one political figure whose opinion you simply can’t just pass and ignore, that would be the witty and frank Senator Miriam Defensor- Santiago. She recently renewed her wedding vows with husband Narciso Santiago, a former Interior Undersecretary, on their 40^th anniversary. She was even quoted as to calling herself a “veteran wife”. The senator renewed her vows at one of Philippines’ biggest churches, officiated by Manila Archbishop Gaudencio Cardinal Rosales.

Although she says she is a very committed Catholic, the senator voiced out her strong support for the Reproductive Health Bill and Divorce Bill—after all, she authored the former. And even if that is so, she believes she does not see her faith and advocacies clashing. The senator expressed her opinion on the divorce during her wedding reception at the Manila Hotel, stating, “I’m just trying to exercise my freedom of conscience. I’m not fighting for myself or for any political agenda. I’m fighting for the oppressed Filipino poor woman.”

Did I hear a sigh of relief? I think her opinion was sort of a breath of fresh air because it did not show any signs of hypocrisy. She reiterated that she is a faithful Catholic, even studying theology, but stands for her advocacy in protecting oppressed Filipinas from abusive, even homicidal marriages. She went on to say, “I think that divorce should be available to people who become homicidal at the sight of each other.” That’s Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s humor for you! But I must say I’m impressed to witness an elder like her in politics who is liberated and has an open mind, while still staying true to her faith.

Even if the intelligent politician supports the divorce bill, she obviously does not have any plans of taking that route. She even shared the secret to her lasting relationship. “We never see each other in my house. That’s the secret. Sometimes, I’m surprised that I’m married to someone so good-looking because I hardly ever see him. …We have autonomy, we have space.” Well that surprised me because I don’t think I’m definitely someone who could resist not seeing my future husband, and at home? Shouldn’t they be sleeping in the same room? Maybe it’s something that goes with age yeah? Because even my grandparents did not acquaint much at home. The senator further shared, “I’ve always been very attached to the concept that marriage is an inviolable social institution as our Civil Code provides.”

So what’s her final word on divorce? Here it goes, “That is so much better than making each other miserable for the rest of their lives and impacting the lives of their children as well. …I am in favor of a divorce bill provided that grounds for divorce are very strict so that we will not encourage young people to rush into marriage and then rush out by divorce.” One thing I realized as I read her quote—how unfortunate is it that divorce or no divorce, it effects to children suffering.

Sources:

http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/nation/06/20/11/miriam-backs-divorce-bill-renews-vows
http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/insights/06/20/11/miriam-love-marriage-and-divorce

Endings Come To Good Things Part II

They say good things come to an end, but don't they also say that every cloud has a silver lining? To some divorce may be all about the trials and tribulations the couple and their children are going through but they also fail to recognize it as a solution. So here are another set of stories from divorcees who looked beyond the thunderstorm and created better beginnings after a failed chapter in their lives.

Story #4 From Lies to New Love "My first husband and I were married in a beautiful Catholic ceremony. About a year later, I came home from a meeting and my husband was at the kitchen table working on his laptop. He was in good spirits and indicated he was planning to go out to watch football with a group of friends from work. I thought nothing of it... At 2 a.m. the phone rang. It was my husband, telling me he had been arrested... He was charged with four felonies, including importuning and soliciting a minor for sex! He convinced me it was a misunderstanding. I endured the humiliation of his arrest being on television and the radio. I came to understand that our entire marriage had been a charade. Everything that came out of his mouth was a lie. I eventually told him I wanted a divorce. I later learned that he had been cheating on me the entire time. I was so depressed... Finally, I woke up one day and discovered that I actually had it pretty good. I picked myself up and put away the wine glasses. I went to Europe for the first time. I bought my own house -- painted and decorated it myself. I decided to start dating again. I met a man on Match.com -- he proposed 16 months later. We have one son and another child on the way. I am truly convinced that everything happens for a reason." –Maureen

Story #5 Stronger than Ever "I have been divorced for exactly a year now. I am finally in a great place! I haven't been this happy nor healthy (mentally and physically) in years. I was married for 20 years and began to grow in ways that my ex just couldn't understand. I went through a very difficult divorce -- my ex was very controlling and mentally abusive. I was scared to death to leave, but I began to get stronger. I have turned my story into a business called AndeLifeCoach.com, where I coach other people to find their 'authentic' true selves. I have never looked or felt better." –Andrea

Story #6 Friends for the Kids "My ex-husband and I have an excellent working relationship. We share custody -- one week on, one week off -- and have agreed that we will always give each other the opportunity to have more time with the kids if we need childcare. We both agreed that it wasn't about us. It was about the kids, first and foremost. We are told by many divorced friends that we are fortunate to be good friends now, and should be the example of what divorced parents should be." –Natalie

Source:

http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/813855/6-divorce-success-stories-1

Endings Come To Good Things Part I

Amidst all of the debate on divorce, what we mostly hear is negativity. Especially negative experiences and stories that root from disastrous relationships going through divorce. Amidst the catastrophe, the positive and optimistic part of the story is frequently obscured so the internet being most accessible to find sources, I quickly accessed it to look for success stories of divorce. We don’t know what the ratio is with divorce success stories versus non-successes but it’s safe to say, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Here are 6 divorce success stories I gathered and quoted from SheKnows.com.

Story #1 Better As Colleagues "I am a very successful divorcee. I married the love of my life, and after 12 years of a great partnership, we changed and realized we loved each other so much that we had to let each other go. Since we divorced, we have worked together professionally and love it! My 'was-band' found an amazing woman and we are both happier, healthier and love that we are still in each other's lives. You know the old saying, 'When you love someone, set them free?' Well, in our case, we came back to each other professionally and have a very deep love for each other. Friends called our divorce the 'divorce of the decade.'" –Lorrie

Story #2 Change is Good I got married at 20 and was completely insecure. I thought I needed a man to complete me, but I was comatose, walking through marriage without feeling alive. I was terrified my life was over but more terrified that if I left, no other man would want me. My husband wasn't bad to me -- I just got married too young and didn't even know what love was. My turning point was when some of my students dared me to rap. It led me to try, and stimulated me to see there was life beyond an unsatisfying job. My husband hated me being out so much. I was no longer the constant wife-y type, coming home from school to cook and clean and plan social dates with friends. Eventually, I decided that I needed to live instead of passing time. When I finally left I danced out and didn't take a dime in alimony. My freedom was worth everything and all I needed. I'm still good friends with my ex. It was very amicable. He was a good person, but couldn't handle me changing." –Daylle

Story #3 Lemons into (Mentoring) Lemonade "I was very inspired by my divorce. I have turned my lemons into lemonade. I am the founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, a 24/7 resource center that supports single-again women. When I divorced 14 years ago, I was searching for tools to help move my life forward, and to be the best role model for my children. That's when I became certified in the coaching field. I'm also a certified behavior consultant. I have been working with family law attorneys for years and have developed a program called "Single Again! Now What?", a 12-week program mentoring other divorcees. My joy is when I see a mom believe in herself again." –Joanie

Want to hear more success stories of divorcees to lighten your heart and lift up your spirits? Watch out for part 2!

Source:

http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/813855/6-divorce-success-stories-1

Voices

We all know what God, the Philippine government and church, and research have to say about divorce. So here’s what a few people have to say about divorce.

Seasoned and prominent director Joey Reyes opened to the public what he had to say about divorce—and he openly declared his support for the bill. In an interview with Push.com.ph, Director Reyes said he is pro-divorce, “mainly because I believe that Filipinos should be given a chance to mature.” In addition, he believes that when divorce is legalized, Filipinos will be responsible enough not to blemish it and still value marriage. He voiced out that, “I think ang bata na sobrang pinoprotektahan ay lalaking inutil. At and kaisipan ng Pilipino ay malapit na sa pagiging inutil dahil sa dami ng hipokrisiya at mga nagmamaganda o nagmamalinis sa ating lipunan.” He acknowledged that some marriages are inevitably imperfect and chaotic so it would be better for them to be apart. Reyes also recognizes that people are imperfect and it is only natural that people make mistakes so they should be given a chance to be happy again.

On the issue of Philippines being the only country without a divorce law, Reyes said that he does not believe that just because it is the only country without divorce, Philippines should follow the trend. “Ang punto e magtiwala naman kayo na may utak ang Pilipino. Magtiwala naman kayo na ang Pilipino mature enough to make decisions for themselves.”

Reyes concludes that it is not an argument that the Philippines is just following the footsteps of other countries hence the divorce bill debate—it is more of empowering every Filipinos’ right to choose what they think is best for them.

Another notable public figure added his voice to those who are anti-divorce, Senator Francis “Chiz” Escudero, in an interview in Bacolod. He said, “para sa akin, importante gawing mas accessible at gawing mas affordable ang annulment,” as he is against the provisions on divorce, “sa ngayon, mayayaman lang ang nagpapa-annul dito sa Pilipinas. Ang mahihirap, naghihiwalay na lamang at nagli-live-in pagkatapos pero may batas naman tayo kaugnay ng annulment.”

Furthermore, Escudero did not fail to mention he was not in favor of the grounds proposed in the divorce bill and added that it should clarify who the guilty spouse is and disallow that person to remarry. “Ang problema sa divorce, pwedeng mag-asawa pareho. So yung dating nanggugulpi, iba naman gugulpihin. Yung dating lasenggo, iba naman yung kasama niya habang lasing siya. Yung dating adik iba naman ang kasama niya habang adik siya.”

Indeed, the divorce bill is becoming a hotter issue day by the day and it's definitely not getting any better. Just like the Reproductive Health Bill, it has sparked numerous debates among citizens, the media and public figures. But I hope one, if not both, of those bills will be cleared up—either passed or ignored—soon because we know for a fact, there are much more pressing issues that politicians should fix, and corruption and poverty are no strangers to that arena.

Sources:

http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/entertainment/06/15/11/director-joey-reyes-supports-divorce-bill

http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/nation/06/13/11/escudero-divorce-law-should-identify-guilty-spouse

What Does He Have To Say? Part II

On the first part of my 2-part blog post on “What Does He Have To Say?” I introduced to you the background of how my opinions are in between the divorce drama. It is so because as much as I would like to acknowledge what my faith says rightly about divorce, I cannot ignore my attitude of weighing and balancing the other side of the story. (Yes, I am a Libra haha!) Although divorce is something that God abhors, the discrepancy of having a condition that is it only lawful when fornication is committed puzzles me. More so, I acknowledge that some marriages are impossible to mend already and that divorce is a solution that could free them of the misery the failed relationship has caused.

Since I am here to battle with myself on what stand to take and at the same time, weigh a side that opposes the divorce bill (whose opinions are heavily based on morality and religion), here’s an in-depth discussion of Jesus’ 4 points on divorce. As a review, Jesus taught that first, God created one man for one woman. Second, marriage is a strong bond. Third, it makes the two one flesh. And fourth, marriage is a work of God.

God created one man for one woman. (Matthew 19:4) God created Adam and Eve. That was it. He did not create another woman for Adam or another man for Even. He did not create for them, which obviously is applicable to all of us, spares, options or alternative. Just because it could be that people may encounter “options” through the course of their lives, it still does not change God’s intention. Thus divorce was and is not an option.

Marriage is a strong bond. Matthew 19:5 says, “and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wide, and the two shall become one flesh.” The word “joined” means to have a bond that cannot be broken. He created one man for one woman to have an indissoluble union—no spare, no divorce.

Marriage makes the two one flesh. “So then they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined, let not man separate” says Matthew 19:6. The verse is very straightforward in its intent, which sensibly states that you can never divide what is one.

Marriage is a work of God. Matthew 19:6 simply tells us that what God puts together, just like any of his creations, do not divorce. Especially marriage, which is an institution ordained by God.

So many opinions, including seeking for what God has to say, definitely shakes everyone’s thoughts on divorce—I know for a fact, it shakes mine. The exceptional clause of fornication definitely gave my blurry stand on divorce a run for its money but by the end of David B. Curtis’s preaching, it became clearer now what God’s real take on divorce is and here’s what he had to say, “Adultery or fornication committed after a contract, being detected before marriage, giveth just occasion to the innocent party to dissolve that contract (Matthew 1:18-20). In the case of adultery after marriage, it is lawful for the innocent party to sue out a divorce (Matthew 5:31, 32) and after the divorce, to marry another, as if the offending part were dead (Matthew 19:9, Roman 7:2,3). This is divorce with biblical grounds.

Isn’t it so amazing that no matter how many centuries ago the Bible was written, its teachings could still be applied to this modern time no matter what the situation calls for? The Bible couldn’t be anymore specific on what it has to say on divorce. So what do you have to say?

Reference: http://www.bereanbiblechurch.org/transcripts/topical/bible_and_divorce.htm

What Does He Have To Say? Part I

Up to this day I am still so torn between supporting and opposing the divorce bill in the Philippines. As you can see, I have been trying my best to type posts that weigh both sides of the issue objectively because I am confused and do not want to paint all of my compositions with bias.

If you would like to know, I am a born again Christian. I know I am not worthy to be called a pure person because I have my own share of transgressions just like any other person—may they be Roman Catholic, part of Iglesia ni Cristo, Muslim, Hindu, you name it. As a Christian, I first sought the Bible for answers on the issue of divorce unlike others who run to the internet or base their opinions on the credibility and opinions of personalities for or against it. So here’s my story on how I was enlightened on God’s views on divorce. I do not mean to be preachy, I would just like to share where my opinions and fuzzy stand on divorce come from.

It is not unfamiliar to Filipinos that the divorce bill has not just become a political issue but a religious one too. Divorce affects everyone in the society thus it is looked through the lens of different aspects. But this story looks through my aspect—one of a born again Christian.

I first checked what the Bible had to say about divorce because I believe that we, imperfect humans inevitably change—in attitudes, opinions, beliefs etc. but what God has to say has never changed since his preachings were inscribed through scriptures 1000 years ago.

I was enlightened by the pastoral message of David B. Curtis. He taught that the New Testament law of divorce is strict. Jesus restricted divorce to one cause only—fornication. But still, he did bind men and women who were unhappily married. So ask why he still allowed they continue living a life of misery? Because they covenanted before God to love each other until death, not until happiness. Curtis adds that the mayhem of divorce on a religious aspect has been due to discrepancies in standards. Some people have lowered its standard while others have raised it more than God’s intent. “In order to stop the problem, let’s take the Bible’s standard and raise it” is just as wrong as the lax view because it is not what God precisely states. Therefore, it is important to seek what the Bible says if you would like to oppose it in a religious aspect.

Malachi 2:16 says, “For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce.” God detests divorce and has He changed his mind on this over the years? “For I am the LORD, I do not change; Therefore you are not consumed, O sons of Jacob.” (Malachi 3:6) In Palestine, the Pharisees wanted to destroy Jesus and divorce was a flaming issue—whether it was lawful to divorce out of any reason or lawful to divorce only because of fornication. But he went along and preached what was right.

Jesus taught that first, God created one man for one woman. Second, marriage is a strong bond. Third, it makes the two one flesh. And fourth, marriage is a work of God.

So there goes one of my puzzling thoughts—divorce is lawful only for those who committed fornication, but God completely detests it. Watch out for Part II!

Reference: http://www.bereanbiblechurch.org/transcripts/topical/bible_and_divorce.htm

Learn from Uncle Sam

The United States of America is one of the more prominent countries that legally have divorce and whose society accepts it. But at the same time, since it allows divorce, it is also prominent in being one of the leading countries with couples filing divorce. Maybe, instead of the Philippines thinking that having a divorce bill means moving on to greener pastures and “the 21^st century”, we should learn from the mistakes and repercussions divorce has cause in their societies, more so their families.

Every year, over 1 million American children suffer from the divorce of their parents. What’s saddening is half of the those children born in 2000 expected that their parents would file for divorce before they turned 18 years old. Moreover, the Americans for Divorce Reform estimates that 40 or 50% of marriages end in divorce. This means that 1 out of 2 couples are likely to get divorced. This rate has come as a shock to America and has caused concern in political, social and religious circles in the country. Further statistics show that the divorce rate in America for the first marriage is 41%, the divorce rate for the second marriage is 60% while the divorce rate for third marriage is 73%. Clearly, the results show that divorce has caused a “trial and error” trend in Americans as divorce has become a way for them to try out a marriage, and if it does not work out, they can simply file for divorce and try their luck with another person again.

The Discovery Channel states that couples with children have a slightly—note, slightly—lower rate of divorce than childless couples as absence of children is one of the reasons for the failure of marriage. But why exactly has Uncle Sam’s several couples—a whooping 50%--resorted to divorce? Marriage101.org says that the answer lies in American belief, “freedom is one of the most important beliefs for America and nothing can replace it besides love. When they marry, they do not run for long love. If they think the love and family cannot offer their happiness and safety, they would choose to divorce.” Americans will not value family and/or children more than themselves because obviously, they are very individualistic. “That means they love freedom not stability. Their dreams are running for their own blessedness.”

So maybe, divorce is not for the Philippines because we think a great deal and have so much value for culture, tradition, religion and most especially—family and children.

Divorce has evidently torn up then fundamental unit of the American family, the American society. More and more Americans have broken homes, a single parent or even no parent, causing psychological, health and emotional problems, developing rebellious attitudes, performing poorly in academics—all because of America’s permit to divorce. We think that the United States is still a rich country, but until now it is still suffering from one of the worst recessions any other country has faced over history, thus 50% of the parents with children who are going through divorce move into poverty after the divorce.

And then again, maybe the Philippines should be better off without divorce because it is already an impoverish nation with millions of Filipinos suffering from no sufficient everyday provisions even if they are intact families.

More than thinking of the advantages and benefits divorce could have on couples like a sound mind and peacefulness from all the abuse and arguments, the consequences should be foreseen. Filipinos look up so much to the Americans but more than that, we should also learn from their mistakes—not make the same mistakes.

Sources:

http://www.aboutdivorce.org/us_divorce_rates.html

http://marriage101.org/divorce-rates-in-america/

http://www.heritage.org/Research/Reports/2000/06/The-Effects-of-Divorce-on-America