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He wanted kids, lots of them he said, but when I was pregnant with child number 2 he said, "I'm not sure if I want this baby." I spent the rest of my pregnancy in a neck brace unable to lift the vacuum without pain. Little did I know he was already in the midst of an affair. His first? I never knew or asked, but his next one started around the same time and lasted until my next pregnancy 4 years later. Oh yes, I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was the business, his retail office supply and furniture store. I didn't understand why he would be mad at me when I waited up for him on Tuesday nights when he was always late getting back from out of town. I didn't realize that was the night he was spending with his mistress.
Little things. I confess, I did them to. If I was mad at him I wouldn't buy the special food or drinks he liked to have on hand, or clean the house the way he liked it. But we never talked about it. We just carried on doing things the way we always had. Heading for destruction without knowing that was the road we were on. Or at least I didn't. I naively assumed that "for better or worse til death do us part" was a vow we both meant. I know better now.
We separated 3 or 4 times once I found out about his girlfriend of 4 years, when I was 3 months pregnant, and I raised the 3 kids on my own for the most part.
One of the times we had got back together resulted in another pregnancy. I knew the moment my son was conceived. My husband seemed excited about this pregnancy and I thought things might work out, but here I was 3 years later sobbing at my kitchen table as he packed a few things and walked out the door for the last time!
I now really needed my growing strength and independence and I determined to give my children the best that I could. I knew I would have to work hard, but I didn't want them to suffer any losses. We remained in our small home while he went on to buy a larger one. That rankled, but I let it pass. I had my children, that was more important.
I spent years at the hockey rinks as 3 out of 4 children played hockey, 2 boys, 1 girl, and the other daughter skated.
I attended gigs as my sons played in various bands. I attended plays and musicals where they had major and minor roles.
I helped with homework. I begged, pleaded, scolded, disciplined, threatened and loved my kids. I knew that too soon they would be gone.
The years have passed and my children have left home. I have begun a certificate program in Teaching Adults. I look ahead to the future and make plans for me. I can read that pile of books I have on hand, sew those quilts, take dance lessons, go to movies, whatever I want.
The choice is mine, as it has always been. I choose to live, to explore, to dream -- with enthusiasm!
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We all know that in life, not everyone has it excellently going for them. Facing struggles and issues are inevitable; some may experience it everyday in little doses while some have it harder by having the good life all along and then suddenly... Boom! It's like all happiness is taken away from them and they are faced with years of hardships. Big or small, these are tests of life that people around us are waiting to see if we will be swallowed whole by it, or conquer it. Divorce is just one of those whales of problems waiting to swallow us up, but you are a strong person just like Fran Watson who stood up for her herself and took charge of life's problems, there is always a detour available to a new, happy life out of broken, dark roads.
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